The Child Care Center

EASY TO LOVE, DIFFICULT TO DISCIPLINE: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation by Becky Bailey, Quill: New York, 2000. Pp. 69 - 70. This book guides you through a journey that will change you and your children. Most of us fear change, and our fears emerge as doubts. “What if I say these words and it does not work?’ “What if I do what you suggest, and the children still fight?” Ironically these fears reflect the fear-based discipline we experienced as children. Many of us fear trying a new skill because we dread making mistakes. Unconsciously, and with the best of intentions, our parents made us feel bad in order to improve our behavior. The message we received is that mistakes indicate weakness, a form of inadequacy that could have been prevented with forethought. In order to change, you must push past your fears. As you read, if doubts arise within you, do the following: Take a deep breath and relax your body: This allows old programs in your brain to dissolve. You must quell the “you are not good enough” message in order to begin your healing journey. Physical relaxation helps you to do so. Become aware of your anxiety: once you hear yourself saying, “What if this...” or, “What if that...,” let yourself feel the anxiety. Say to yourself, “I feel anxious but I am safe and in charge of my thoughts. All is well.” Then notice the next thoughts that arise. These show how you handle anxiety. Do you attack people? (“this is stupid. The author knows nothing.”) do you remember past problems? (“i tried this last week.”) do you concoct future problems? (“if I try this with my child, she will run away screaming.”) do you berate yourself with negative inner speech?” (“i am the world’s worst parent.”) Listen quietly to your thoughts. Become familiar with your language of anxiety. Keep breathing. Decide whether you want anxiety to control your life and impede your learning, or whether you want to be in charge. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to live through some discomfort to learn new skills that will bring more tranquility and joy into my life?” If the answer is yes, continue. If the answer is not, go ahead and close the book. Write down your “what-ifs” as you encounter them: If after reading the whole book your “what-ifs” have not been addressed, write to me. If I can help, I will. (You can get Becky’s address in the office.)